The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
