I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
