I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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