If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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