I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize