I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize