The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
