I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
