apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
