I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
