wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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