i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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