apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
