My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
