i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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