I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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