you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
