Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize