I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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