If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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