i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
