Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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