So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
