So gin and wine won't be happening again
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Drunk is not a location!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
