Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
