She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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