It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
