dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize