Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
