shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
