please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
