dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My ass is underappreciated
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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