whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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