One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
