Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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