so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
