I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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