i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
