I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
