I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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