I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Say something about gay babies.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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