sarcasm needs its own font
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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