I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
