No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
