Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
