You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
