Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
