It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize