I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
