At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize