i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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