Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
