It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You made out with two different species that night
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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