It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize