Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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