Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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