After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just found puke in my bra..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
