Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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