the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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