I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
