today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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