Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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