I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
