you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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