I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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