Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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