He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize