BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
