even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
