Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
