Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Less talking, more tequila
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
