I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
