I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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