I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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